but i don't want to.....

(said in a whiny voice) sometimes, a topic for my blog comes to my mind while i'm having my quiet time, and i feel as if, it's something i'm "supposed" to write about. and sometimes, i don't necessarily want to. i know that i am an observer of life, as well as living my own life...so maybe some of my writings come as a result of my observations. and it seems that the older i get, the more i observe and sort of "get" things. perspective and experience do have their benefits. anyway, i'm not an expert on anything, so my lists and writings are simply my opinions and may result from my observations or experiences on a particular subject. hindsight is a powerful thing.

so today with trepidation, i will proceed with my tuesday list.

*b* list on raising teenagers

1. love unconditionally. whenever i question what love is, i always refer to the love chapter in the Bible, i cor 13:4-8. loving unconditionally means a lot of things, but it doesn't mean to be a doormat, or a pushover. sometimes it means you have to do really difficult things. 

2. recognize your influence and use your leverage when you need to. sometimes i see strong successful adults turn into a sort of spineless, unrecognizable person when confronted with their teenagers. i remember it happening to me. they know how to push our buttons. take a step back, so you can see things more clearly, and so that you aren't acting according to your emotions. sometimes i remember feeling sort of helpless when situations arose, and in hindsight i can see that i really did have more influence and leverage than i realized in the moment. enforce some of that, when you need to.

3. be strong. i don't think any season of life has taken more energy, than raising teenagers. i know it's physically exhausting to parent toddlers and young children, but raising teenagers requires an emotional strength that is way beyond the physical exhaustion. teenagers know that. they know that they have power to wear you down. they know how to guilt-trip you. stay strong and know that this too shall pass.

4. don't bail them out. it's so tempting to try to make their life easier. but really all that does is prolongs their maturing. they need to face some challenges that they figure out themselves while they're under your roof, so that you can gently guide them through it. then when they're out in the real world, they'll have some skills to make it.

5. don't encourage a sense of entitlement. i think this is huge. i see it so clearly in hindsight. i think they need to know that you don't owe them any of the luxuries that they are enjoying. seriously. there's a fine line between giving them the things they "need" and spoiling them with stuff that's just way beyond helpful in the long run. i see some young adults not realizing that they may have to pay their dues, in order to enjoy the same luxuries that their parents have worked a lifetime to earn. i think it's healthy to struggle a little when you're young. it seems to not only build character, but also a sense of appreciation and gratitude. it's hard to truly appreciate things you've never had to do without. spend time with them, listen to them and love on them...don't try to give them everything materially. that's a whole new topic.

6. teach them values over how things appear on the outside. not rules, but values.

7. don't automatically say no. sometimes i think it just becomes habit. say yes when you can and when it's appropriate. listen to what they're really asking.

8. figure out their love language  and speak it! invest in them. 

9. from the time they are young and never let up when they are teenagers, teach them that the world does not revolve around them. compassion for others, thoughtfulness, servitude, and respect.  the teenage years can be very self involved years, if you don't instill this in them early. i love my cousin er's morning prayer with her children, "help me to be a blessing to others" so simple, but profound. and you can see that she has instilled this in them. it's not a random prayer. it's a way of life. find a way to serve others as a family. live it.

10. it's never too late. i remember reading a parenting book when my kids were in their teens and reading this. i was convinced i had messed them up for life with all the mistakes i had made through the years. (which by the way, i think we all tend to do when we have teens....we think we have made such massive mistakes, that they won't be functional, well adjusted adults) this encouraged me so much! never quit trying!

11. don't worry, pray. single most difficult thing to do, in my opinion. i would meditate on this verse, "for God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 tim 1:7 i spent many late nights in prayer. i believe that is the single most powerful thing you can do as a parent.

12. don't enable them. don't tell yourself that it wouldn't be loving to have them move out when they are not respectful, when they reach a certain age. i remember teasing my kids when they were in their young teens, and i would make them get up and help with things around the house, that i was just making sure that they weren't going to be 30 year olds living in our basement! if you make it too easy for them, they'll never even want to be independent. it's healthy for them to move on. that's our job, to give them the necessary skills to make it without us. right?

13. this should have been number one. teach them about the love of the Lord. live your faith and tell them about your beliefs. BUT, make sure they understand that they need to make their faith their own. they can't ride your coattails. faith is such a personal thing. a relationship between God and them.

14. finally. don't let them(your kids) steal your joy. famous words of jamie meyer. so true. and remember to enjoy them and keep things in perspective...what they are going through is normal, they need to figure out a way to be independent.  if you have young children, this probably makes no sense to you. but it will.

*edited* while i was showering, i realized that there are many, many more things to be said...my little list isn't adequate. allowing and encouraging their individual interests, avoiding "fixing" things we did wrong as teens, through our children, and finally, not allowing for the transition from child of mine, to independent person. that day will come. and it can be a very, very rewarding thing. letting go is tough, but so worthwhile.

believe me, i didn't do all of this, all the time. this is written after the fact. i've been through it and wish i had had more guidance. i was the first of my group of friends to experience raising teens, so i didn't have much "help" or encouragement. in fact, i think my friends were all appalled by what i was going through with my kids...and my kids were good overall. they were normal, but no one could tell me that.

a word to teens: i know this is written from the perspective of a parent. forgive me for the generalizations. i hope that you are on a path of high standards, based on your values, and not on peer pressure. and this is VERY important, don't ever forget that your parents love you and are probably the only people in the entire world who will stand by you no matter what, throughout your life. there are so few people you can truly count on to be there for you in such a way. respect them and recognize that they're doing the best they can.

whew. see why i didn't want to write on this? hopefully there is a reason for it!

i had the privilege to do a photoshoot over the weekend for this adorable family-

 
 

this sweet pea is almost 1 year old.

  her big brother is pretty cute too.

 

 

so thankful to get to do this!

God bless you!

Comments

[christine :)]

Becky Novacek, I want you to be my guru. LOL Believe me when I say I needed this blessing of your experience THIS VERY WEEK. I am the mom of a 18-year-old and a 20-year-old (both daughters) and sometimes I doubt myself on how I am raising (or have raised)them. I am going to print out your words and refer to them often.

A HUGE thank-you. Have a beautiful day. You were definitely a blessing to me today.

Christine

[Debra]

Dear Becky,
I have been reading your blog for quite awhile now but don't think I have ever commented. I just want to say "thank you" for writing this post. I, too, will be printing it out to refer to as I journey on with my 17 and 15 year old teens.
Bless you!
Debra

[Kim]

I wasn't going to comment but I will let you know that I am fwding this to my aunt that was just saying yesterday she's getting alot of unwanted unrequested 'help' from others about how she's single-handedly raising her teen son.. THANKS!!!!!!!

[Shannon]

Becky,

Thank you for writing this. While my kids are still young, I am going to save this for future reference. I love that you share your experiences and thoughts on your blog. I just wanted you to know that your thoughts are very much appreciated!

[Tracy Schmitt]

What wonderful words of wisdom. To a mom of a great, but, nonetheless, 14 year old teenage boy and with two more boys following his path, I appreciate your thoughts. It is unchartered territory for me and we are "navigating" fairly well, but learning from a seasoned pro is very appreciated. I, too, will print this out and keep in nearby in the years ahead. So, I'm glad you took the time to write. Sometimes, when you are in the moment, these words are sometimes forgotten. Have a great day!

[Tina]

My oldest is at the age where his brain is slowing down :) I know that every boy goes through a growth spurt and it seems that when that happens the brain momentarily shuts off :) I am happy to say that as yet, he is still very much a momma's boy and enjoys spending time with me. For that I am grateful!

[Kelly]

Wow...what a timely post for me...I have a 17 year old daughter. I was just sitting here thinking of all of the things I wish I could go back and do differently. She is a good girl, but still I have a nagging self doubt that I haven't completey prepared her for life...I love your blog!

[maureen]

Well, as you know....I have wondered if it's too late. I am drained much of the time and life has not been even a little bit easy in this journey called parenting but with 2 teenage daughters, it's downright exhausting. I pray. For them, for me, for our relationships and those with their dad. I pray so much for their relationship with each other....right now, that has been first and foremost on my mind and heart. I'm not sure what will come of it....which breaks my heart.
None of it is easy.
I heard this today from Phillipians 4:6"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard you hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
I love this verse...everytime I hear it I think it needs to be "my verse". I'm a worrier.....and I know not to be but I am. This came to me today about some financial stuff but it just came to me again, as I read your post.
Hugs my friend.

[Jennifer]

As the mom of a 16 year old boy, 14 year old girl and 11 year old girl, your words couldn't have been more timely. I agree 100% that the teenage years are so emotionally exhausting. Some of it is awesome and some of it isn't. I'm always questioning myself - wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I'm doing what I think and hope is the right thing. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[Meg]

Becky,
I don't have kids but I love #13. I sometimes wish my mom would understand that I do have my own belief's as well. Thank you for this post! Again, love the latest pictures! :)

[amy sotolongo]

I teach jr. highers...and all you have said is so true...they are exhausting, amazing, creative individuals who are living in the cocoon so they can become butterflies.....they just want to be heard, loved and valued.....and it's not easy on parents or teachers!

[Maija Lepore]

Have you been sensing my pain and turmoil? I'm dealing with my own 17 year old son and it sucking the joy out of my life. Your words of wisdom couldn't have come at a better time. My son is making some bad choices and it has been so hard for me to step back and let him make his own mistakes. I spoiled him in every way as he grew up- my approach is quite different with my almost 14 year old son. But please tell me I will survive this!

[Stephanie]

I love this list...I'm totally bookmarking it even though I'm still several years from having teenagers. The way I see it, it's good to start thinking about ways to show your love to your children starting now...not when they are teenagers!

P.S. Are those MUJI pencils depicted in your banner? I have those too :)

[amy]

a little late reading this, but gosh is this a great list!!!!!!!!!! TFS